People who know me best consider me a great escapist; I try my best to escape the cares of this rugged world. I have had a life of trauma it seems like one thing after another always manages to go wrong in my life. Therefore, I tend to escape as fast as possible to my own little world of writing or jetting off in an airplane to some strange place. There is something however, that no matter how hard I try and close my eyes escapism is absolutely no help. I'm speaking of the potential termination of my parental rights to my three beautiful children. I know what you're thinking "What on earth did you do?”
I'll give you nothing; it is just what seems
to be impossible right now. My children were never hit in fact they are
quite spoiled and they love me dearly. They have never been touched Nor have I
ever touched a drug. I'm not an alcoholic either you get the idea no addiction
issues. I never even seen a court room until "the state" drug
me through this hell basically I have no criminal record either.
My ex-husband their father doesn't care what
happens to them either way so I'm left to fight alone. The state says I'm not
stable I'd had lost my job and my place on top of my little mental issue which
I've never been hospitalized or caused an interaction with my daily life.
I'm not going to disclose it as it seems like I've shared already too much.
I have a short time to try to get new place
and better income in so that I can try to win them back. It isn't likely
because the foster parent lives a different life than my own simply she has
lots more money and help than I do. The part that kills me the most is that
everyone sees me breaking my back to get them back but no one cares.
You can't tell me that I'm the only mother
out here who is struggling with problems, "Why don't they just take a semi
to all the homeless shelters and take away all the poor babies?"
It's sad to deal with and all I feel is anger. They recently stopped my visits
because the children are too emotional when I leave. They miss me simply just
want to come home I would give up all the creativity and joys of life if I
knew it was possible just to be with them again. My brain wants to escape
to a beautiful place with them filled with hills, a cottage, a beach and all
that's good in the world. This isn't possible reality is that they are
miles from me wanting to come home and I look out the window wishing I could
A professional gave me the best advice she
said try all that can for them to get them back to the bitter end, then if it
doesn't work I would know I did all I could. I'm trying but nothing seems to be
happening fast enough, the odds are in the foster mother's favor. She suddenly
claims she wants to adopt them. It is like people have this idealism that
children should all live in this pseudo life with a picket fence with two rich
people in a Cul-De-Sac. All the falseness hidden within such a life is nothing
without real love. You can call me old fashion but I believe in a nothing is
stronger than a mother's love that carried the child for nine months. I'm
trying my best to get them that "white picket life" but these
things take time.
My children wouldn't come home to that
it would be a 3 bedroom townhouse somewhere trying to make it until mommy makes
things better for them financially. I do know that with me they may have
it a "little rougher" but never starve or be hurt. They will be the
most loved children in the world to me at least. My mind can already see the
reality I will sit on my porch alone and look at all the other struggling
mommies playing with their children. My children will be far away getting
trained on the Nazi rules of her house and buying them more objects trying to
get them to forget me.
I hope they don't....
I guess better yet I wish for a tidal wave to
change the judge’s heart on this upcoming April day. It won't happen as a
wise guy once told me "As long as you are smaller, poorer and standing alone, you
just don't beat the majority who have the resources to appear better."
The thing that hurts the most is that
people who are supposed to be "friends and family" seem to view me as
person with no freaking purpose; just like the state workers do. It is okay though I never needed to be
validated by anyone as I'm a natural loner. We have to get real there is
a lot of money tied into taking children thousands of "bonuses" for
the state also refundable adoption credits for the foster parents.
I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the trial in a little over a month
the final court date; I just know escapism isn't working.