Sunday, February 26, 2012

Certain things we can not escape........

 People who know me best consider me a great escapist; I try my best to escape the cares of this rugged world. I have had a life of trauma it seems like one thing after another always manages to go wrong in my life. Therefore, I tend to escape as fast as possible to my own little world of writing or jetting off in an airplane to some strange place. There is something however, that no matter how hard I try and close my eyes escapism is absolutely no help.  I'm speaking of the potential termination of my parental rights to my three beautiful children. I know what you're thinking "What on earth did you do?”

I'll give you nothing; it is just what seems to be impossible right now.  My children were never hit in fact they are quite spoiled and they love me dearly. They have never been touched Nor have I ever touched a drug. I'm not an alcoholic either you get the idea no addiction issues.  I never even seen a court room until "the state" drug me through this hell basically I have no criminal record either.

My ex-husband their father doesn't care what happens to them either way so I'm left to fight alone. The state says I'm not stable I'd had lost my job and my place on top of my little mental issue which I've never been hospitalized or caused an interaction with my daily life.  I'm not going to disclose it as it seems like I've shared already too much.
I have a short time to try to get new place and better income in so that I can try to win them back. It isn't likely because the foster parent lives a different life than my own simply she has lots more money and help than I do. The part that kills me the most is that everyone sees me breaking my back to get them back but no one cares.

You can't tell me that I'm the only mother out here who is struggling with problems, "Why don't they just take a semi to all the homeless shelters and take away all the poor babies?"  It's sad to deal with and all I feel is anger. They recently stopped my visits because the children are too emotional when I leave. They miss me simply just want to come home I would give up all the creativity and joys of life if I knew it was possible just to be with them again.  My brain wants to escape to a beautiful place with them filled with hills, a cottage, a beach and all that's good in the world.  This isn't possible reality is that they are miles from me wanting to come home and I look out the window wishing I could reach them.

A professional gave me the best advice she said try all that can for them to get them back to the bitter end, then if it doesn't work I would know I did all I could. I'm trying but nothing seems to be happening fast enough, the odds are in the foster mother's favor. She suddenly claims she wants to adopt them. It is like people have this idealism that children should all live in this pseudo life with a picket fence with two rich people in a Cul-De-Sac. All the falseness hidden within such a life is nothing without real love. You can call me old fashion but I believe in a nothing is stronger than a mother's love that carried the child for nine months. I'm trying my best to get them that "white picket life" but these things take time.

 My children wouldn't come home to that it would be a 3 bedroom townhouse somewhere trying to make it until mommy makes things better for them financially. I do know that with me they  may have it a "little rougher" but never starve or be hurt. They will be the most loved children in the world to me at least. My mind can already see the reality I will sit on my porch alone and look at all the other struggling mommies playing with their children.  My children will be far away getting trained on the Nazi rules of her house and buying them more objects trying to get them to forget me.

I hope they don't....

I guess better yet I wish for a tidal wave to change the judge’s heart on this upcoming April day.  It won't happen as a wise guy once told me "As long as you are smaller, poorer  and standing alone, you just don't beat the majority who have the resources to appear better."

 The thing that hurts the most is that people who are supposed to be "friends and family" seem to view me as person with no freaking purpose; just like the state workers do.  It is okay though I never needed to be validated by anyone as I'm a natural loner.  We have to get real there is a lot of money tied into taking children thousands of "bonuses" for the state  also refundable adoption credits for the foster parents.  I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the trial in a little over a month the final court date; I just know escapism isn't working.

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